I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
