My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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