Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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