Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
