I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
