apparently the secret to your success is patron
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
