My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
