My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
