The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
