she woke up with a sticky ear
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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