omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
