I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
So squirting runs in the family.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
