I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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