You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
