i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
