just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
