Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize