We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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