He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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