Swine flu. Run for my life!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
