I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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