i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
