We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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