Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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