i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
