Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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