we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
