yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
