It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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