I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
