do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
