clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
