Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
