The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
