So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
