I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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