Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
