so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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