Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
