i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You ruined the universe
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
