Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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