I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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