I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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