remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
