I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
