wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
