I was born with a shot glass in my hand
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You have to summon your inner elephant
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
