Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
