I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I AM VODKA MAN
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
