found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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