of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My life is pants optional.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
