im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
