FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
