last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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